Relationships can be a source of great joy, excitement, and love. You may truly enjoy spending time with your partner, and you’re hoping to have a long-lasting and meaningful connection with him or her. When you're considering the type of partner you want in your life, there are plenty of things that may make your list. From their sense of humor to their looks to the way that they treat you, everyone has some sort of picture of who they classify as the ideal mate.
But just as there are specific things that we look for the person that we're dating to have, there are things that we hope to never encounter.
In our parents’ day, differences in socio-economic identifiers such as religion, race, economic status or education were common deal-breakers. Today behaviors many singles often reject when dating include substance abuse, bigotry, lying, infidelity or a tendency towards violence or abusiveness.
Beyond these more obvious deal breakers are a host of things some singles will not tolerate from a partner such as poor hygiene, a sloppy or unattractive appearance, neediness or possessiveness, jealousy, smoking, a lack of social skills, bad sex or a lack of affection, a poor sense of humor, or an unhealthy lifestyle. If that’s not enough, we also would do well to examine our tolerance of a potential partner’s poor health, financial instability, family ties and cultural expectations or physical distance from us.
Clearly, the more deal-breakers we have, the narrower our pool of potential dates will be. Keep in mind, however, that having no date is usually preferable to a being on a bad date, so the self-examination is worth the effort.
If I say something like "you need to stop drinking every night, it's bad for your health and your future and I can't stay in this situation any longer if you continue"
I don't see that as an ultimatum. I see that as a deal-breaker.
If I say "If you don't do/buy/accomplish ________ I am leaving you" that's an ultimatum.
I've been in a relationship where substance abuse was a big part of why I left. And I see it as being justified as it was, in fact, a deal-breaker for me.
Setting standards and having deal-breakers can be done without posing an ultimatum to the other party. In the first case, you're simply informing your partner about what you want/need in the relationship, and allowing them to reach their own conclusions based on this, in their own time. In the second case, you're making an explicit demand that your partner needs to meet on your terms, or else.
Informing someone that you aren't interested in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry you, is information. Telling someone that if they don't propose within a year, you're out the door? That's a demand.
And no, I don't think they're inherently manipulative. You are always allowed to have standards for how you'd like to be treated and to inform the other party about those. But when you've informed about a deal-breaker and nothing changes, I think giving your partner an ultimatum is the same as giving them a last chance to right their wrongs before you walk out on the relationship. Provided it is an actual deal-breaker for you; something that matters so much, you're willing to walk because of it.
Although everyone's list of deal-breakers may not be exactly the same, there are a few things that many of us can probably agree on.
Having standards is like... knowing there are certain needs you have to have in a relationship. Maybe they are more physical, like s/he needs to have a job, his own place, her own car. Maybe they are more psychological, he needs to be a good communicator, she has to be responsible. Maybe they are value-oriented, she needs to be the same religion as me, he needs to value marriage and children, he needs to NOT want children. Any relationship is given and take, and I feel like I need to know what I need out of a relationship, and if that person is capable of giving it. I would also hope that he is aware of what he needs out of me, so I can evaluate if I am capable of giving it to him.
Deal breakers to me are behaviors that show up at some point in a relationship that is harmful. To me, to him/her, to both of us. Violence would be a deal-breaker. Maybe he gives me all the things I need to meet my standards, but when he gets angry he hits me. Deal-breaker. I think to some extent drug abuse and gambling problems would qualify for deal-breakers to me. I think it would depend on the situation. Cheating would be a deal-breaker.
Ultimatums, to me, are threats. If you don't do this, I will leave you. That's not something that belongs in a healthy relationship.
In relationships, the goal is to find someone you're compatible with and learn what the other person needs to be happy. There is no relationship where both people are absolutely, totally, utterly fucking perfect! for each other and everything just miraculously falls into place and they live happily ever after. That's what Disney is for.
In the real world, if you want a relationship to last, you have to work at it. You have to be willing and open to changing things about yourself, making compromises, and adapting as the relationship evolves. If your partner tells you that something you're doing is hurting them or aggravates them, you make an effort to change it because you care about the way they feel and you want them to feel comfortable and happy.
If one partner always accedes to the other's wishes and never has their own needs met, this will breed resentment. And that's where ultimatums come in. It can be manipulated in some cases because shitty people are everywhere... but the only time I've delivered an ultimatum was more like "Hey, I've done all this work on myself and adapted to you, and you're not doing any of that for me. Love is a two-way street, and I feel like I'm the only one making an effort. So make an effort or I'm going to find someone else who will."
Even in Disney, you ever notice how the whole movie is hammering out the details of the relationship, and once everyone's changed and happy with how things are, then comes the happily ever after?
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